Tuesday, May 16, 2017

the only constant is change

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I guess I have to begin where this all begins, at the end. After what feels like a lifetime, though officially dating was more like 5 or 6 years, my relationship with Reid ended.


That's a really hard sentence to write because as much as we both want to continue a friendship, at the moment, it feels as though our entire relationship has ended. No matter how many times we tried to discuss the future, our plans, what we wanted from the other - nothing changed. Our relationship was frozen; we were stuck in a loop. Neither one of us really getting what we wanted, but neither one of us wanted to let go either.

And then I did let go. It wasn't planned and it wasn't pretty. And, while I miss everything about actually being with Reid, and am mourning the loss of that, and the loss of what I thought our future would eventually hold, I'm finally feeling hopeful again. This massive change, opened my eyes to other areas of my life where I was letting things happen instead of taking control and making them happen. It felt like being a kid and getting a new pair of shoes that were just a bit bigger to grow into. At first, the new shoes, the the larger size, felt awkward and big. Maybe they even caused a tumble or two. But then after wearing them for a week, when you try to put on the smaller sized shoes again, you notice just how tight and restrictive they were. Your tolerance for that feeling goes away, and suddenly, you crave the extra room, that change that felt uncomfortable at first, in all aspects of your life/pairs of shoes.

Clumsy as that metaphor is, it's the only way I know to explain how I suddenly couldn't tolerate other aspects of my life that I had been putting up with for a long time. I realized that I have to take responsibility for the situations I'm in. After all, if you don't like where you are, move - you're not a tree!

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I posted this when I bought myself this necklace, but I wasn't really ready to put it into action until the about a week before Leadership Summit. Nothing in my life was feeling right, but I didn't want to make the classic "break up" mistakes of cutting my hair, dying it a funny color, or even moving (which I still think about). But I was ready to start closing some chapters of my life in order to start new ones. And, more importantly, I was ready to start investing in myself. I realized that I was truly the only person responsible for my own happiness.

Leadership Summit came and went, faster than a hurricane! I can't even begin to explain how motivating it was to be there. It renewed my passion for my company's mission and has given me the confidence to believe that anything, yes ANYTHING is possible. And the possible becomes probable with a good plan and a little work!

And while I am hopeful, I can't say that I quite feel good yet. I still have a ball of anxiety in my chest that I can't seem to shake, but I'm working through it. I'm practicing gratitude and surrounding myself with friends and other people that lift me up. I'm also asking for what I want in a way that I haven't before. I'm doing it fearlessly, willing to give up what I have in order to design the life I want. It's something that I really wasn't practiced in before.

I have always been one of those people that wants to take the load off for others. Sure, from the outside I must seem like a "go-getter", but it's always with caution. I am very much a creature of habit. I'm loyal to a fault and like to stay within known situations. But with this change, this major disruption, I'm bravely seeking out the next step. That includes coaching a new summer swim team this year - The Herndon Hammerheads, the heart wrenching decision to leave my home at the Herndon Aquatic Club and search for a new swim club that can accommodate my availability, going back to school, and working to grow my Beautycounter business and spread our mission wider.

It's such a paradigm shift from being stuck to living in the midst of change. (that probably explains the feeling in my chest :) ) But, as one of my amazing swim moms said to me "the only constant is change."

(And tacos. Tacos are a constant!)

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